What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:14
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When British people write X after everything, are they being serious or trying not to be awkward?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
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My family never makes their pension either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I write beautiful poetry .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What’s the craziest thing you’ve heard pretending to be asleep?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I will be 64.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !